Performer // Photographer // Educator // Rope Expert (Kinbaku//Shibari)

Even(En)

Even(En)

I knew from the beginning the writing would be the hardest part of this for me. I have been ruminating on it and avoiding it. When I try to write my stomach knots up around my fingers and it suddenly becomes just so much easier to stare blankly at the wall.
But now it’s been too long, the writing is already rude, bad in its lateness.
So whatever. Here it goes.

We were both anxious the day we met in ropes too. I woke up that day worrying about the usual interpersonal shit and family drama and my obligation to the next generation and the economy of suffering and what underwear I was going to wear and how I was going to keep my hair out of my face and whether or not I would say something stupid to you.

We sat down for tea before the tie. You referenced your own emotional turmoil. I could feel it on you, heavy and quiet. I’ll admit that the heaviness made me skeptical, but the quietness made me brave. I took off all my clothes and laughed.
So whatever. Here it goes.

We met together over the abyss, you tied me to you and oops down we went.
Later we would talk about our shared surprise, sold to each other as airy dancers, to find ourselves falling so far so fast.
It occurred to me a few times to try to open my eyes, to make visual contact , but every time was a mistake. What I saw when I opened my eyes was two people in a room and that was all wrong. We were just a force.
All of my weight and maybe all of yours was pushed back up through me, blood pounding in my ears to keep up with the flow. Eventually my neck couldn’t hold it. It hurt. When it started to activate the wrong systems and tug me back from the expanse, I called out and you listened. You tied my head up gently. And jesus fuck it was lighter then. I remember that exhale in my body still.
And when I was cocooned completely in the rope you took all the weight in your arms. Held me up high. Gave me just enough time to see what was coming and burp with anticipation. And then you dropped me!, controlled but free and giddy and laughing like a baby. Again! Again! I drooled, dumb and parasympathetic in full trust of your arms and your ropes.
Reduced and essential.

You untied me and I lay naked on the couch for a long time, reluctantly recovering my humanity. Weird confessional words fell out of our mouths and eventually became sort of sentences.

I dropped you off at a coffee shop to meet a friend.

The sun was shining warm and it reminded me of a summer I shared with a person years ago. I texted her to see how she was. She was happy to hear from me.

Hopefully that’s good enough, for now.